Paper, plastic or pillowcase

Plastic bags are becoming an epidemic.

• They make their home under the kitchen sinks of millions of Americans.
• They drift down the street like lone ghosts and roost in the trees.
• They float along in scenic streams and rivers all across the country.
• They are not alive yet seemingly multiply.
• They fly out of city dumpsters in massive swarms to overtake the world.

The plastic bags epidemic is spreading.

• It must be wiped out at all cost.
• The solution is within our grasp.
• Plastic bags are taking over.
• We must take drastic steps to fight this epidemic while we can.

Some cities are banning disposable plastic bag use.

What can you do if yours isn't one of them?

Return all plastic bags.

Gather all remains. Root them out from under the sinks and hiding holes of thy habitat and return them to the originators of this tragic epidemic. Proceed in a gleeful manner to the source of the epidemic with said plastic bags. Greet these persons with care, lest they not accept the plastic bags which have been so diligently collected. Lest ye forget, many fair vendors do offer monies in exchange for the return of their plastic bags.

Rebel against the retail gods.

Be heard by the leaders of the epidemic. Break out of the plastic bags mold. Just say no to bringing home more plastic bags. Cease adding to the supply by stopping the demand. Curtail the endless plastic bag pollution that hath scathed the nation. Cry out against evil plastic bags conspirators. 

Say boldly unto them, "No thank you for I have brought my own bag, kind sir or madame, and I intend to use it against this outrageous epidemic!"

Choose an alternative.

Anything that holds purchases and carries easily may be utilized as a plastic bag substitute. A box, a carton, or a pillowcase. Take thy pillowcase to the store rather than spreading the plastic bags epidemic. Make a fool of yourself but stop this ridiculousness before it stops you. Frequent establishments where cloth bags can be purchased and used repeatedly. Make thine own bag using old blue jeans or by tying together a sweat shirt. Do anything man, time is of the essence.

Shop proudly with your new bag.

Hold your head high in the aisles of the finest shopping establishments. Wave your knotted sweatshirt with pride as you boldly fight this sad epidemic. Sneer and chuckle at the plastic bag people. Thou art far superior. Nod to the clerk as you proudly submit your pillowcase to be filled to overflowing. Sleep easily tonight my friend, for the plastic bags epidemic has been swiftly averted.

What the heck is a green hoarder? Are you one?

Is it even possible to hoard and still be green? Well, that depends on what you are hoarding. If you're into purses for all occasions, that's not very green. If you buy what you hoard by conventional means, you're just adding to the waste. On the other hand, if your hoarding involves one of the items below, you might just be a green hoarder.

Do you hoard construction site leftovers?

If so, you're a green hoarder. Your yard may be a mess. Still, the next time you need to replace something on or in your home, you won't have to buy it new. This habit is even more environmentally friendly when you share with others. Why keep it all to yourself? You can prevent a lot of unnecessary waste by saving and/or sharing leftover construction materials.

Do you shop yard sales to feed your hoarding habit?

Are half the dishes in your kitchen from yard sales? Do you accumulate long lasting, high quality items like cast iron pots and pans from estate sales? Do you look for used items before paying retail? Hoarding only used items means you've taken yourself out of the supply/demand cycle.
Manufacturers generate less waste and use less resources when we consume less.

Do you hoard recyclables?

If so, you are among the best of all possible green hoarders. Rather than creating waste, you're saving the earth from piles upon piles of trash. Recycling is not only an Eco-friendly practice, it's wallet friendly too. Your garage may be a disaster in between trips to the recycler, but your collection is as green as it gets.

Craigslist and Freecycle provide plenty of green hoarding opportunities.

Learn to love the free section of Craigslist. Once again, you're sending a message to manufacturers to produce less, or at least, not more. If you weed out the spam and businesses, you can find good quality used items for sale too. The only drawback to this green hoarding opportunity is, you have to be fast. That free stuff gets snapped up like hotcakes on National Pancake Day.

Are you a dumpster diving hoarder?

Be cautious. Dumpster diving is illegal in some places. If not, go ahead and do all the dumpster diving you can. It's surprising what people throw away. You might find recyclables or just nice used items. Some department stores toss returned items frequently. Some people even dumpster dive for food. That's not my cup of tea, but who am I to judge?

So, yes, there is such a thing as green hoarding. You can be a green hoarder if you hoard used environmentally safe products. You'll notice, however, that I didn't say anything about hoarders being neat and clean. Most aren't. But hey, there are always exceptions. Who knows? You could be the first, cleanest, greenest, neat freak hoarder ever.